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Old 02-06-2012, 01:03 AM   #1
P_Pigly_Hogswine
 
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Unhappy PS3 Fat, 20072012: An Obituary

It is with great sadness that I bear the news of the passing of our PS3 Fat. It died yesterday doing what it loved: playing games and being randomly sworn at while tackling Dead Nation on Morbid. It survived the Graveyard battle, but the wounds it sustained in protection of its friends were ultimately fatal.

It was a sudden, but expected departure, and we're relieved it came somewhat peacefully and PS3 Fat is now playing the Great Game in the Sky with all the other much loved consoles including Sega Master System, NES, N64, PSX, and three Xbox 360s. On a happy note, we're pleased to say SNES and Dreamcast are still doing well.

PS3 Fat entered our lives back in 2007. It was with the passing of Xbox 360 3 we decided to try a different console. It was a happy day as PS3 Fat was a heavy and healthy newborn. In those days, there were no DS3s, but instead a comically light Sixaxis. We all had a laugh, but liked it all the same.

PS3 Fat came with a copy of Spider-Man 3 on Blu Ray. We loved the picture quality but were entirely less impressed with the dance scene. Upon purchasing Planet Earth (the doco, not the actual planet), we relished in high definition polar bears, like the inverted Cheshire Cats they are.

Games back then were bleak. We ended up with a copy of Ninja Gaiden Sigma, which proceeded to kick the arses of anyone who went near it, and a little known game called Uncharted, which proved far more likeable.

Since those days, and over five years, PS3 Fat became a much loved member of the household. It streamed episodes of Peep Show. It played that one and only Eagles of Death Metal album we could be bothered ripping. And it was there through over 40 platinums. In fact, it earned its 43rd and final on Saturday, struggling to breathe as we aced that Avalon level in LBP2.

It was there when Demon's Souls attempted to destroy us all, and was there on the day the PSN went away. It was a lonely few months, but in the end, the PSN came back, gifting it the game that would be its last: Dead Nation.

But like Dead Nation, PS3 Fat was turning into something akin to a mindless, shambling corpse. It struggled with heat, and found itself having dizzy spells. Originally only God of War 3 and Kratos' high def pectorals would cause it to go weak at the knees, but in the end, even the onslaught of Plants Vs Zombies would bring upon a state of catatonia. Perhaps PS3 Fat was making a stand against zombie games. Perhaps it sacrificed itself in protest? Perhaps if we played Dead Rising 2 the death would have come sooner?

Whether PS3 Fat succumbed to old age or the Umbrella Virus doesn't matter. What matters is the five years of faithful service PS3 Fat brought into the household.

We will miss the way we'd accidentally turn you on while cleaning your touch panel. We'll miss the fact you could stand up straight all by yourself, and we'll miss your rotating logo. We'll even miss your dorky Spider-Man font.

PS3 Slim has some big shoes to fill.

Love, the Hogswine Household.
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:08 AM   #2
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nice obituary lol

i myself lost my phatty in 2010

RIP
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:15 AM   #3
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I think when I get my slim in a few days, I'm just going to go outside and put a whole clip of a 9mm in my almost dead phat. And video tape it of course.
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:15 AM   #4
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Both fats still going strong. It really is like losing a member of the family whenever they go in for maintenance... apparently I don't put much stock in my family...
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:19 AM   #5
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Thank you for this. I was weeping gently by the end of it.
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:22 AM   #6
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My condolences for your loss. (seriously)
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:24 AM   #7
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Brilliant read

R.I.P fatty. Here's to hoping this 'zombie virus' isn't heriditary, because your fat 2009 English offspring would quite like to finish Dead Nation at some point. Not to mention Resident Evil 6 later in the year!
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:35 AM   #8
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And with the passing of the fedora/lightsaber/six shooter, PS3 Slim will finish what its father started. Dead Nation will be a Really Dead Nation.
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Old 02-06-2012, 02:11 AM   #9
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I just gave my fat PS3 a long hug after reading this. RIP
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Old 02-06-2012, 02:14 AM   #10
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See, now this is what you expect people to get upset and make a thread about. Not a controller.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Axl00357 View Post
I think when I get my slim in a few days, I'm just going to go outside and put a whole clip of a 9mm in my almost dead phat. And video tape it of course.
You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
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