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How do you stop from being angry?


Nobodygrotesque

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Hello everyone,

 

So before you read this I want to say this is extremely hard for me to write so please understand that before you just laugh or say “get over it”.

 

So everyone by now has heard about Robin Williams and his reason for taking his life if you don’t know then I will tell you, it was depression. It kind caught me off guard because he was 63 and still his depression was so bad to the point where he had to take his own life. I started reading post about how if he would have talked to people then maybe he could get some help, so here I am talking to people.

 

I am about to turn 27 years old and I have a lovely wife, a beautiful son and a baby girl coming in January and I am happy about that, I couldn’t ask for anything else from a family but I am worried my problems stem way beyond that. I have a rather cliché urban child life story, father wasn’t around, single mom raising my siblings, struggling hard with things ,trouble maker ect ect . I grew up and grew out of that but even in adult hood I am still so damn angry all the time.

 

I have been angry for 20 years now, I am angry at my father, I am angry at my siblings, my cousins, I am angry at my In laws, I am angry at the world, most importantly I am angry at myself for being so angry. But how do you stop being angry if that is all you know? I have used my anger to get me through whatever I usually go through because I don’t want to give anybody the satisfaction of seeing me fail or people seeing me as weak or people who want me to fail. That is a huge cliché but it is true. I have been with my wife for 12 ½ years and she has only seen me cry once in our whole relationship because I feel like crying is a sign of weakness. I know its not but I can’t help but to think like that and maybe that is my problem. I have no outlet for anything, yea I use to play Video games as an outlet but with all my responsibilities I have now it is hard to lock myself in the room and play all day until I feel better, I can only do that at night which I will sacrifice sleep from it.

 

I haven’t had that many positive experiences with Male figures in my life, my dad is a Douche (I’m sorry but he is), my Father in Law I seems to just not be the person he wants me to be in his eyes, when I let my guard down and think we are buddies something happens and I relize it was all just a mask on his part and he just don’t like me. Both of my brothers are convicted felons and they both feel like as a stay at home dad, I don’t do anything at all and I am letting “A woman carry me” or that “I am Lazy as Shit” My father in law doesn’t agree with what I do as well. No one (except my mom, and wife) agrees with what I do so no one really understands how hard it is or why I am so tired. I never had any real positive men in my life to look up to and as an adult I can say that that really does effect how a boy grows up.

 

Most of the men in my life have always frowned on me which makes me feel like I am less of a man, and when I actually do decide to talk about my feelings, all I get is a lot of nonsense or ridicule.

 

 

I have been lacking self confidence for so long, I am not book smart at all and my knowledge of things are so scattered that I can’t really use my knowledge for anything at all except maybe a gameshow or something. I don’t have any real talents at all, like seriously I don’t. I am really not that smart, I have accepted that fact about me…well my whole family (mother & sibilings) is like that and When it comes to how I feel about myself I feel like so low all the time but I feel so angry because of how low I am. When people talk to me I feel so dumb because I just can’t keep up sometimes.

 

I feel so unimportant because I guess I am waiting for some sort of acknowledgement that I am important, I don’t feel important at all. I felt like if I died then a month after the fact not much would be said about me.

 

I don’t really fit in at all anywhere, each of my friends are only my friends because they share like 1 certain thing I enjoy because no one really enjoys more than 25% of my interest. I have a friend who likes comic books (he likes DC I like Marvel), I have a gamer friend (he is die hard Xbox I am die hard sony), things go like that with most of my friends. I feel so distant from everyone and when I try to get close I feel so awkward. Even with music not 1 person I actually really know enjoys my music (metal) and I when I try to talk to others about it they completely write it off as “me being a white boy” or just a bunch of people screaming, which is fine that they have their opinion but not being able to talk to people about something you really enjoy is hard.

 

How do you stop being angry at yourself and at the world when that is all you know?

 

I am Catholic and even when I go to church I just go because I want to feel something but I don’t most of the time. I do believe to Jesus as my Lord but it hasn’t brought me the calm that I need. When I am in church my mind wanders and I feel like I should be feeling this joy but I just don’t. This isn’t a church thing it is more so about how I don’t know how to feel joy.

 

I am green with envy when other succeed and I know it is wrong and I know everyone has different chances in life to succeed but I feel like my time is up and I my life is laid out for me already. My student loans are so high that I can’t go back to school without further debt and it angers me because it is my fault I switched my major 20 times and ended up with 70 credits and not a single degree. I watch as people younger than me have already surpassed me in life already, it makes you feel really low. Like when people talk about their achievements in life I usually get skipped over or when asked I answer and get a look that says “oh that’s all”

 

I could write all day about my feelings but I honestly don’t know how to fully express how I feel, and I know that is probably why people don’t speak about their feelings.

 

I am angry more than anything because I feel like I have been wronged , I feel like I have been screwed over and mistreated but in the end of the day I am angry because besides my wife and mom no one really seems to care. So how do you just stop being angry if that is all you know? I am so exhausted and I am so miserable with myself to where it feels..normal to be like this.

Edited by Nobodygrotesque
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First, it sucks that you feel the way you do. I also deal with anger on a daily basis so I can understand the struggles that you deal with.

 

Like you, this isn't easy for me to write but I can only hope that it helps you.

 

Most of my anger stems from PTSD and all that comes with it. I have dealt with depression, anger, guilt and suicidal thoughts for the last 7 years or so. Most of my anger is due to not having the full bodily ability that I used to. I was injured during a deployment and, although I didn't lose a limb or get paralyzed like some of the people I know, it still took my ability to run and even do some simple tasks away. I deal with bodily pain on a daily basis also. There are times that I simply can't play with my 2 boys (3 1/2 and 1 1/2) because my back feels like it is about to lock up.

 

I have gotten down on myself because I have a terrible memory and because of guilt that I still deal with today because I feel it is my fault one of my guys was killed even though everybody tells me I did everything I could. I live with that memory still and probably will until I no longer have a day on this Earth.

 

As for how I deal with it, I try to look on the bright side or find a silver lining in everything. I know that sounds cliche but it is what has helped me so far. I have a written list of things that I am either thankful for, proud of or want to accomplish and I look at it daily. It is my go-to for when I start feeling myself weighed down with dark thoughts.

 

The other thing that has helped me is fully opening up about it. My fellow soldiers all mnow I deal with depression and pain. I don't ask for their sympathy but want them to understand it is a real thing. I want them to know that everything is able to be overcome (again, another cliche perhaps).

 

I have found the things that make me the happiest and put my full effort into them (gaming, sports knowledge and my family). I made sure to surround myself with positive influences in my close-knit relationships and get away from the negative. As much as it sucked at times, I have ended friendships and familial relaionships because that isn't what I needed in my life.

 

At the end of the day, it is important to realize that you are the most important thing in someone's life even if you don't realize it.

 

Lastly, if you ever need to vent, I am always one to listen. I don 't know you at all but everybody needs that one person that will listen to their ventings and problems and not laugh it off or make jokes about it.

 

I hope you find the peace in your life that everyone searches for.

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NEVER say you're unimportant. Never ever, because you are! Without you your wife would have the hardest time raising your kids. Staying at home is one massive sacrifice even when you think you don't have a choice or when you think you're useless. Your children will be the children who will have great manners because their dad has time for them, time to raise them and time to give them the love they need.

People say guys/men need a dad as a rolemodel. I don't know you but if someone (even your in-laws) say that what you're doing isn't good and that you're lazy, I'd say that I'm being someone to my kids I've wanted to have in my own youth but could never have; a good father.

Stay at home moms and dads are needed because all children are turning into devilish bastards. In the end people will be happy you raised your children so well.

 

Never compare yourself to others either. Everyone is different and there'll always be people having a seemingly better life than you which will just make you unhappy.

 

You can go to the church which is good, I encourage it but singing right from the heart and giving the Lord all of you, completely surrendering are more difficult things. I believe it's all about building up a relationship with Jesus and then surrendering when your relationship is good. Pray, pray when literally no one is around, when no one can disturb you. That's when you will get calm because it'll be just you and him.

 

You can't change the past but you can get stronger from it. Now you're getting weaker because of the anger it brings you. Again I'd say pray. Try to give it a place in such a place it brings out the best in you. It'll be difficult to do so don't underestimate it but the mighty Lord is always here to help you.

 

Never forget you're important! I'm sure a lot of people here look up to you. You're honestly great :hug:

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I am sorry you are going through that, I used to have a lot of anger issues once upon a time. It did get much better but it's just how we are. What I did was self-control, I told myself not to get angry. I try to reason with myself whenever I get angry. The change is big, maybe you can try it, too? I didn't exactly have issues with my confidence but I failed to see the good things.

 

Though the thing that I think you feel this way is because it seems you are comparing yourself to other people a lot. You shouldn't, because that makes things so much harder. I know someone who does it and they get upset over things that aren't even there just because of that. I know it's easy to say "don't do that" and from seeing that person struggle, I know it's hard but you are you, you don't have to compare yourself to anyone and if you manage not to do that, you will feel much better. Everyone has problems at some points, you can't let that define you just because you can't get over it yet. If someone thinks you are a loser for being at home with kids, don't listen to them, the kids need that and in fact, they also require a lot of patience and work anyways, if that's what you want to do, you shouldn't be ashamed of that. (I know it's not common though and I know how people react to things that don't fit to your typical norms so it must be hard but nothing to be ashamed of, in my opinion).

 

I think in the end, it comes down to you believing in yourself, which again, is hard but don't compare but think of yourself in positive light. Who cares what they say? You have people who care about you and like you the way you are. If some can't like you, that happens but don't let them drag you down. I am sure that you will be able to take first steps to achieving what you want, everyone is capable of that. I believe that determination is what makes people capable of pretty much anything, even making themselves happy in hard times.

Edited by sleipnirx
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Being angry is definitely bad. Maybe there's a different outlook you can take. I know that having depression or being angry is a mindset. If you just try to change your mindset (which isn't as easy as it sounds) it can change your entire life for the better.

 

Anyway, good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

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Anger, for me, is poison to my peace. I completely understand your feelings. It can seem impossible to change our views or reactions.

 

I also empathize with your self worth issues. It sucks. I have learned that if I don't value myself, it doesn't matter how much others do. I won't feel it or see it from others until I feel it for myself.

 

I think it really comes down to doing things differently and changing your perspective, and it's not something you can do overnight or on your own. Therapy can be a great tool as you can be introduced to different thought techniques. If your depression is quite bad, medication can do wonders (and won't turn you into a zombie!) Taking up hobbies or getting involved in service has helped me a ton as well.

 

But I think what is most important is getting down to causes and conditions of your feelings, and then dealing with them head on. It takes time and it takes action (and probably being uncomfortable) but change is possible.

 

I don't feel like I am good with words, but I hope you know that you are not alone in how you feel. And you are not doomed to feel this way forever, unless you choose to do nothing about it.

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Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. For those who say I worry what others think of me it's not really that simple. Random strangers or people I don't really care about I honestly don't care about the how they feel. People who are major importance in my life in a sense to where I have to deal with them for the rest of my life, yes I would like it if they saw me in a better light. For example if someone is telling you that your not good enough or that you are a nobody for a day or two you shrug it off BUT if you have someone telling you these thing for well over 10+ years then it wears you down.

 

I will take y'all's advice thanks :-).

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I have a friend who likes comic books (he likes DC I like Marvel), I have a gamer friend (he is die hard Xbox I am die hard sony), things go like that with most of my friends. I feel so distant from everyone and when I try to get close I feel so awkward. Even with music not 1 person I actually really know enjoys my music (metal) and I when I try to talk to others about it they completely write it off as “me being a white boy” or just a bunch of people screaming, which is fine that they have their opinion but not being able to talk to people about something you really enjoy is hard.

 

Maaaaaaan, if only you didn't live so far away we could hang out and talk about the awesomeness of Marvel whilst playing our Sony consoles and blasting out Metal. :hug:

 

I know what you mean though with that paragraph. I'm only a year or two older than you and I had the same issue with people sharing my interests. Whilst in the last two years I've made a couple of friends who like the same music, this site is the only place for me to go to talk about the same gaming interests. Because there's so many of us here there's someone for everyone.

 

To answer the thread question, I'm coming back to music. I listen to music all the time and it always makes me happy. It might not be that simple for others, but it's what works for me. Going out and socialising with what few friends I have is also another plus. I've made a much bigger effort to make new friends and keep in touch with old ones because I'm going through a divorce at the moment. I need all the friends I can get!

 

When I was with my wife, she was all I needed, so you just need a reminder that you have a family that cares for you and your well being.

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I'm alot like you too OP. I feel anger everyday, and i'm getting sick of it. My anger stems from sheer loneliness. I never get to see my GF that much, and rarely my bro. I don't have any friends either, it's just so hard because i have alot to offer. Depression dosen't help anything either. It's a cruel world out there, Just sucks that there's not alot of people out there that understand.

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You learn to forgive and let go, and you learn to change your perspective on those negative experiences - you let them empower you to do better for yourself and the people you care about than others did for you, and you choose to let them make you stronger, not weaker.

 

We all have had horrible experiences in our lives and we all have baggage as a result. It's what we do w/ that baggage that defines our character and who we are as people.

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A fair few parts of your story nobodygrotesque (just took on a whole new meaning) is actually somewhat similar to my wife. I will say that she has found some success with an occassional therapist visit, but not as much as I would like. Sadly, my advice to her has always been just to get over it but she also doesn't have a background that allows her anger to make sense. Her aunt had similar anger issues and found self help books beneficial and I've honestly never seen her as angry so maybe you could have success with those. Otherwise hobbies, obvoiusly you game like the rest of us, but maybe there is something else that you could get into that would allow you to focus your anger on something productive thus hopefully leading to less anger.

 

Sorry I can't be of much help. If somebody has good ideas I'll probably bring them to my lady honestly.

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I start counting C-Notes :p but in all seriousness i just take a nap or just curse a couple of times then I get over the problem.

 

I hear you! Though, sometimes when I nap, it causes me to get depressed (if my body relaxes enough without falling asleep), or even more stressed if I become restless (I suffer from chronic insomnia).

 

Yep, nothing like venting with a few swears (check out Rooster Teeth's Rage Quit for some of that)! Funny thing about me, I can't actually bring myself to say a curse or swear. I never could; I can if I want to I suppose, but I just don't!

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I be awesome instead, true story.

 

:facepalm: doood ur so awesome. and pretty cool according to your autobiography.

 

 

Very interesting breakdown of your anger Grotesque. I can completely empathize with a lot of what you said. Thought I stop by and say that you make many, many great points that most people will never have to go through or experience. and don't feel bad about ways you've felt in the past. Hope you find happiness buddy.

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How to deal with anger? I cannot, nor will I profess to be an expert on any specific solution as everyone that has anger issues is different from the next, but what I can say is that you've taken the first, and largely, biggest step in addressing it. By posting here and getting some of it out.

 

I think everyone has had at least a moment, or many as in your case, within their lives where they've felt anger or depression to some degree. So, you are not alone in that respect. Talking is a huge step forward about how you're feeling, rather than keeping it to yourself.

 

Speaking on a North American standpoint of social expectations, we're raised here to get an education to 12th grade, then are fully expected to know what the fuck we're going to do with the rest of our lives and choose a profession. That's pretty stressful and ridiculous of an expectation of someone so young and can easily add to that resentment and/or hatred.

 

I'm much older than you, and I can tell you that a 'mid-life crisis' is bullshit when you hit 40+. I call that simply, finally figuring out your life by that point is all. I can tell you what I'm doing now in my life is not what I'd have chosen at 18 if I knew what I know today.

 

I'd visit your GP (general practitioner aka your doctor) and discuss this very thing with him/her and see what they have to offer in terms of counseling, because whilst posting here amongst the gaming community is truly a big step for you, I really do think you need to speak to a counselor if that's an option. Especially if you're feeling bouts of depression. That's serious. I'm certain if it hasn't already been suggested here (haven't read any of the more useful suggestions within this thread), that you've certainly have had someone else suggest that as well.

 

Also, as easy as it is to say than practice, finding the positives in your life as you've already laid out with your wife and kids, rather than the things that upset you will help with your anger. Myself personally, the older I get, the more I find less patience with everyday bullshit...from other people usually, and tend to find myself thinking it's not worth the hassle of letting something else piss me off. Everything from ignorance to selfishness from others.

 

I most definitely do not let any anger within me, fuel me as a good thing however. The old adage, 'It can always be worse' has always grounded me back to calmness. And everyone is worth a damn in their own right, yourself included. It can be the most difficult thing in the world to let go of past wrongs done to yourself, factual or perceived, but that too is a huge step forward if you can do that for yourself. It'll clearly benefit you as well as those around you that you care about.

 

I've found for myself, as I used to game a lot up until recently, that finding outside activities that include people I'm most happy with (my beautiful gf) certainly prioritizes my days/weekends more now than ever before and I'm happier than I've been in the past few years. Simpler things such as a healthy 8 hours of sleep truly does benefit your mind and health.

 

I'm no Dr. Phil here, but hopefully some of what I've posted gives you a little motivation to the road to better wellness inside yourself? :o

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You learn to forgive and let go, and you learn to change your perspective on those negative experiences - you let them empower you to do better for yourself and the people you care about than others did for you, and you choose to let them make you stronger, not weaker.

 

We all have had horrible experiences in our lives and we all have baggage as a result. It's what we do w/ that baggage that defines our character and who we are as people.

 

This.

 

Personally I rarely get angry. You must do something really bad to piss me off. Here's an example:

This summer while taking summer school preparation course for the National Exams, I had a Physics teacher who was a jerk. We were 6 people in the class and he was teaching only 1 person. He was bringing her to the class board and was explaining her everything about the course while we were sitting in our chairs doing nothing. This kept going and going. I was asking the teacher questions,

was raising my hand to answer a question but he never accepted neither my questions nor my responses. I got mad at him and approached him in private to tell him how I feel. He didn't hear me. Then next week the person who always helps, talked to him in tears, telling him that I say that he only helps her and noone else (Which was true). He got angry and started to asking me questions about the subject. He was trying to find a mistake to blame me for my stance. I answered 27 whole questions in 50 minutes but then I made a minor mistake. (Instead of saying + I said -) and he started mocking me and telling me how stupid I am and how I do not care about his class. The girl he always helps started mocking me too in front of everyone while others (who supported me) watched in pure horror. I immediately left the class and asked to see the principal. He called the teacher in and things went wild. In the end, the principal decided to change me a class and reprimanded the teacher and the girl. Also we had a pop quiz later on. I got 98% while she got 65%. It was my time to laugh. This mark was the result of my anger, so I learned to make my anger motivate me.

 

(I wish I could punch them though... But that's not me)

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Honestly sometimes I wonder if I just have things the easy way. I've been through so much shit in my life, including dealing with close relatives' death, my mother's deteriorating condition from terminal cancer and being evicted from my own home due to direct relatives of my parents actually suing us into oblivion. Yet, somehow, I can nullify almost any negative thoughts I have by losing myself in music. I don't even know how, but putting on an album I really feel like listening to at a specific time just... works. I guess I can be very thankful my own mind works that way.

 

However, I know multiple friends who are suffering or have suffered from chronic depression, bipolarism and schizophrenia amongst other things and, from experience with them, having someone to talk to that you know you can trust and rant at seems to be extremely beneficial to them. Maybe it's because of the way my own coping mechanisms work that they often come to me with their problems and I'll just let them say what needs to be said, comfort them whenever necessary and let them spill out their true emotions. I don't know whether you have someone like that, but I suspect that doing what you just did here will have actually done some good for you. Just being able to write out a massive post and let people know that not all is right is often helpful in itself.

 

I've also experienced that seeing other people with similar problems and issues is often helpful for all those involved as it shows that they aren't alone, other people are suffering through the same kinds of battles, not all the shit is happening to you and you alone, that nobody has it out for you specifically. Not only that, but helping someone else out with their problems will often distract from your own issues, not allowing your mind to subconsciously dwell on them constantly and blow things out of proportion, making them seem worse than they actually are.

 

That's why depression is often referred to as a spiral or a slope, it often starts out with a small trigger that niggles in the back of the mind and just sits there, dragging your attention away to think about it. Every time you do that, you doubt yourself more, and it seems worse, and that process repeats. You may be thinking 'how does ignoring it to help others help me in any way?' but it's for that exact reason, it puts things in perspective and stops your own personal demons from getting the attention they crave at the same time. It can cause you to realise 'hey, wait, if Dave is having to deal with this, and Jessica is having to deal with that, then I'm sure I can get through this' for example. Each time someone gets even an inkling of that reaction, it makes others in contact with them see a light at the end of the tunnel, a little bit of proof showing you can overcome it, and that's something to strive for.

 

That's my opinion, anyway. I have no psychological knowledge whatsoever so my entire post could be useless for all I know, but if it has any positive effect at all then that's a good thing.

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Wow I honestly didn't expect so many responds, thank you everyone especially the advice comments. I am still trying to figure things out in life and honestly I really really do try to move on from things but when the people who make me angry are always in my life then its hard to just move on, but I know that is what needs to be done. I have been considering talking to a doctor about somethings I do know that we can't really afford to go see a therapist but I know we can atleast afford a doctors visit.

 

I do envy the people who say that they can just move on and honestly I sit back and wonder where exactly did I change? I use to joke around, do crazy stuff, laugh all alot and just not let anything bother me, but now I am always so serious due to being angry. I know my inlaws are a key because they have such an expectation of a "working man" not a stay at home dad. Everytime $ is brought up when I am out of the room they always talk to my wife about how I need a job and they will babysit ect ect ect, even though my wife and I think me staying home is the best thing. They just won't agree with it and I feel constant judgment from them. My wife is really close to her parents so its not like I can just ignore them, I even had a talk with them about this and they just completely blew me off. I know where my anger comes from the issue I have is that those things that make me rage will always be present, not like I can avoid them or change.

 

When it comes to me being a stay at home I enjoy it but in all honestly it isn't what my life ambition was going to be. I had plans to join military @ 18 with the rest of my friends (they are still in military and enjoy it), my wife and father in law actually asked me to not do it. I said ok after some talking and decided to want to do the police force and once again the same thing happened. Now Flash forward 8+ years I am now being looked at as a unemployed guy :mad:. I tried to do military last year and they denied me for having to much baggage (wife & Kid)....I was wronged by being talked out of my career and its my own fault for listening to others.

 

Its also hard to have a hobby when I am watching our son (and soon to be daughter) I tried to learn guitar (bought a guitar and even Rocksmith) but Jr. wouldn't let me practice and I was so tired to do it after he went to bed. Gaming is really the only thing I can actually do but the problem is that gaming is getting boring :eek::eek:. I am trying to find a new hobby.

Edited by Nobodygrotesque
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That's why depression is often referred to as a spiral or a slope, it often starts out with a small trigger that niggles in the back of the mind and just sits there, dragging your attention away to think about it. Every time you do that, you doubt yourself more, and it seems worse, and that process repeats.

 

This is exactly how it happened to me but now it has gotten so bad that I honestly don't know what triggered it

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